I am in Vienna, yawn. This is a city that only the summer is enjoyable, really. Everything is almost at a standstill, well the cool fun things anyway. Day trip to Salzburg? No only in summer, oh how about a tour of this place? No only in summer and on Thursdays. Are you fucking kidding me? No he is being serious. Fuck this shit I am going to Bratislava.

Okay so I didn’t go to Bratislava because I am sitting at Cafe Mozart, where I am about to wolf down a Mozart cake (yes I did that on purpose) because I am so hungry from all the walking and staring at some grey buildings. Against my earlier issues I decided to actually do a guided tour of the city because you know, YOLO right. The guide, a small balding man with affinity for slightly rude jokes is a peach. In his opinion, the Euro was the worst thing to happen to Austria as everyone is now very poor in this very expensive country. Preach brother, my cake and coffee is costing almost the price of three course meal in Prague and most parts of Africa and the United States.

This tour titled: City tour and Schönbrunn Palace last three hours and the city part of it was about 20mins max. I spent the rest of the time walking around a giant palace that costs a fortune to maintain and wasn’t allowed to Instagram anything, fuck that shit. The whole time the tour guide kept telling us how in summer we would be able to do this and that place would be open in summer, yes yes we get it winter is a shitty time to visit Vienna thanks!

The palace is huge and there is a room for everything. Some lady apparently ate a lot of pork and drank red wine to have a male child but that didn’t work. Then some other lady was apparently “so ugly” according to the guide no one wanted to marry her then she got rich and went through five husbands. Some 15-year old married her 64-year old uncle and they didn’t have toilets and people went round the bushes. It’s kinda gross.

Aside from that, the area around the city centre around the famous Ring Avenue is quite nice, some of the buildings are photographable and the Opera is very much an architectural marvel, it’s close to Albertina square, my current view, and one of the cities redeeming qualities.

It’s not that hard to get a good and possible full Vienna experience in one day, I would say 10 hours in this city is enough time. A nice highlight if you are lucky to find a company doing this in winter is dinner and a show, a concert of the best of Mozart and Johan Strauss because, whaat!. It’s expensive though, I am talking 70 euros for cheap seats but in summer you will get around 45 euros.

Alright I am off the Florence there’s only much cake one person can use to dim a not so great experience. Don’t go to Vienna in winter, unless it’s Christmas and snowing and you can skate.

I should have gone to Salzburg, could have done the vontrapp thing.