If you asked me two years ago if I was good with people, my answer would have been a shaky it depends. Ask anyone I have ever worked with I am good with people and their answer will be hell yes. In truth the real answer is hell to the no, I am terrible with human beings, I am really good at faking it. People give me anxiety because I have to work extra to make sure that I am in control of social situations. The minute I have to deal with large groups a crisis. Panic attacks and multiple deep breaths, and in my case large groups could be one extra person than the person I thought I was meeting. Strangers cause havoc in me, in extreme cases I get super silent and come across as sulky or rude. If it is for works, I am best damn extrovert you ever met. A duality that created issues when I try to communicate these anxieties.

A lucky thing though, every job I have ever had, kept me on the road so much. I barely had to deal with people in the longterm face to face, or myself to be honest. I am probably a better friend via text or phone call than I am in person. In person I am constantly assessing if I am showing up alright that I forget how to truly be present, so often I pick one person in a room and talk them. These little could be hidden because I was never really around, until the pandemic hit. In 2020 I had to learn to deal with myself and the people around me. I know that sounds odd considering these have been around some or most these people my whole adult life for at least they’ve been around me. Not matter how much you have an aversion to people surely dealing with isn’t that complicated, right? In my case wrong, because I had to deal with them in the context of my true no drama self. The facade of “caring” what my brain is telling me is so high school, just didn’t exist due to other emotional tolls.

I never needed to really deal with little dramas, I have done a very good job of the running and the last ten years. I was never one place long enough for me to kept up to date with these things, I got the bullet versions, it was awesome. I gave one shot advise and texted all the emotional support you could need, in real life my face will always betray me. When I am truly confronted with the realities of who I am. It hit me, I am a textbook wanderer. I lived in my apartment for three years before I got a couch and I only got a couch because a friend was coming to stay and they wanted to watch TV and there was no couch in the lounge just a TV and a camp chair.

The creature comforts of home for me back then was, a bed, internet, microwave, books and a fridge. As long as those things were taken care of nothing else seemed to actually matter to me in terms of what my home needed to be like. I was comfortable because my apartment wasn’t my home, hotel rooms were. However, when you’re stuck in a pandemic and the four walls of your home is the only place you can be. You begin to re-evaluate what home should be and what comfort feels like. I never care much for a really good couch a couch wasn’t a place that much time.

Until in June I sat on the world’s most uncomfortable couch and watched Phone Shop for six house. Then knew something needed to change, so I began to build a home. My couch needs hold me and take all my pain, it needs to hug me. It needed to be magic so I got a magic couch. I began to ask myself what I wanted in my home. The one thing I have always loved is fresh flowers in every room no matter how empty that room was if it had fresh flowers, it was the most beautiful place in the world. So that became habit rather than seasonal. These flowers during lockdown reminded me of the love of those that I could not see and I could not touch. But I sent flowers, often to those I love, to remind of my love and that they were not alone. That the love of those that we lost in those horrific pandemic stays with us no matter what.

In getting my home comfortable, when we were allowed I began to allow more people into my space and into my heart. I began to create deeper connections. This meant that they would not only bring me there casual days they would bring me their very dark days too. They will bring me their complicated annoyances too, something I have never had to deal with before. I could handle people’s dark days. I’m good at dark days because I know what darkness looks like I do battle with daily and I bend light around it. So I know how to dark days, it was complicated annoyance that got me. I did not know how to deal with drama and pettiness, now I had it in life too. I would be so far away on some trip or something. I didn’t ever have to deal with the humanity and the humanness of them. Petty drama, crocodile tears “woe is me” and weakness of will. There nothing wrong with any of these things, we all human moments, I was surprised by them and worse I didn’t even realise that was something I never noticed in people or in myself even.

Having to to deal with this aspect of people, even those that were my friends was extremely exhausting. I didn’t realised who I would become in those scenarios, how to make me feel, how I would react and more importantly the raging bitch it would turn me into in some cases, but also trivial I thought it all was. Life is fleeting, who cares who likes you, why are people living rent free in your head? Because we humans and it hurts when we are only seen by the circumstances we are in but not by moments that truly define us.

So in trying to be in friendships and casual acquaintanceships where I’m in the city and present long enough to be a friend/acquaintance. I found myself hating lockdown but I’m unable to run away. I was unable to step out of what I thought was so trivial. I was in a complete chaotic mess. I didn’t know how to deal with people around me and or how to truly be myself anymore, even though I’m pretty awesome with people. It is wild, I am beginning to develop these nervous when I am not in my house and eye contact luxury but I am constantly looking in mirror trying remember my old and tell myself it’ll be boo, people aren’t so bad on the daily.