I enjoy the ability to watch whatever I want, whenever I want. I am the person streaming was made for, I will subscribe to anything as long as it has a movie or a show I am interested in, even if just for a season. This is the singular motivation for me purchasing not one, but three Apple TVs( the hardware not the streaming service). There is one for the TV in my bedroom, the living room and the one I travelled with ( this is the one we will delve into later). Yes, I have heard of smart tvs, but they don’t have all the apps I need, trust. 

Streaming is the solace most of us have lost ourselves to in the pandemic. We fell in and out of love with Kdrama thanks to Netflix, we rediscovered our love for Neil Gaiman thanks to Amazon and Apple TV Plus reminded us how to be kind when it introduced us to Ted Lasso. In the midst of the chaos, madness and loss we found hope, joy and some heartbreak in the shows and movies we streamed. As the days of the never-ending pandemic wore on, for me I learnt to let go of things, of people and of habits that I had once held dear. I lost myself in crisis upon crisis and luckily found myself again.

Yet, an Apple TV almost made me lose myself all over again. 

Let me explain. For months now, I have been thinking about what it means for material things when ties break. When you’re no longer in the same space with someone as you used to be, do you give back the things they gave you so you don’t have to be reminded of them? Do you ask for yours back? We often know what to do with relationships, there is some sort of rule when romantic ties end but what happens when a friendship ends? How do we disperse property? 

Even more mind bending what happens when ties aren’t fully broken? When you’re in a sort of limbo, a dreadful place when you’re not quite sure if something is fully broken or if it’s ended yet. What do you do about your stuff then? This thought violently invaded my peace a few weeks ago as I sat in my house, at 2:00 AM watching the latest episode of Doctor Who and bedroom and first Apple TV died, done, finished, that sucker stopped working. I tried everything and I couldn’t get it to work again and for a moment I lost myself. I wanted to ask for my third and 4K Apple TV back, after all it’s not being used. Where did it go you ask? I had given it up just shy of a year earlier as a gift because truth be told, I didn’t need a third Apple TV just for travel purposes because I had just then been gifted a Google TV which was more compact for travel. 

As I sat in the coldness of the night thinking about the lack of my third Apple TV that would solve my problem of having to leave my bedroom to finish watching the show I felt a heartbreak. Something bigger than I have felt in recent years. And it’s weird to think about it now that I’m over the fog of anger, betrayal, hurt, and desperation needing to watch Doctor Who. I wanted it back not because I needed it back but because I wanted them to feel a little of what I was feeling too or perhaps a part of me wanted to open dialogue.

And in true dramatic fashion my friends where very happy to burn the house down to get that Apple TV back for me, because after all it’s a fucking 4k one! Fuck that letting go bullshit one of them said, they do not deserve your generosity anymore, Jesus will understand. 

Hearing that phrasing “generosity wasn’t deserved by this person” knocked the wind out of me. That is not who I am, someone who thinks generosity is not deserved. I almost gave in to hurt and unsaid things because of an Apple TV.  It was peak pettiness and honestly it’s not who I am or wanted to be. It’s a fucking Apple TV for crying out loud and of course they deserved it, it was a gift and I would give it again and again to that person, because I wanted to. Also just because you break doesn’t mean you stop loving.

I thought to myself the true mark of letting go is fully allowing yourself to move forward, especially when someone no longer cares about you. It is still allowing them your generosity, whether they deserve it or not because that is the very point of generosity. During the holiday season especially. You don’t stop loving someone because they stop loving you.

So I bought a new Apple TV and watched Doctor Who. And I remembered who I was and who they are to me, my friend forever and always.