It’s 5:15 am. Like clockwork, I wake up at this time everyday, I don’t even need to check my phone to confirm. I cannot  remember if it’s Tuesday or Wednesday today. It feels like it could be a Wednesday. It’s a very Wednesday feeling in the air. I turn to grab my phone, and see what messages came as I slept, and begin my day. I realise,  there’s no hurry. There are no new messages, I feel a sense of aloneness looking at an empty screen. I hesitate before opening up my phone to see who is online. Hoping someone is available to talk. Hoping someone wants to quickly catch up.

This is day 17 of my self isolation in the time of Covid 19. The fluctuation of emotions is heavily dependent on the time of day when you live alone.  The apartment is very quiet. I have started musing with the idea that it may be haunted, I am not sure by whom as I am the only ever occupant of this apartment. The increasing pace and sound of my own breathing tells me the silence in the air will not be broken until I do something. So I say hello to the room, it’s soft but I feel it fill up the silence and I smile. The first week of isolation was a dream the introvert in me enjoyed, the isolation and sense of peace. Each day began with a sense of purpose, busying myself with tasks both mundane and philosophical. There was time for reading, meditation, cleaning, cooking and learning. There was time built in to connect with others, and home improvements. I was steadfast in my quest for home perfection, sometimes running through a task list with Martha Stewart level bravado. There were virtual birthday parties, dinner dates, virtual coffees and lunches, moments stolen with the gamer neighbour as he set off for his morning run. 

Sitting in my home, all by myself I can easily go days without saying a vocal word to another human if not for work meetings. We live in a world of texts, memes and emoji conversations, where we pack all our emotions and thoughts into one smiley or three. Compound with that, working from home creates interesting challenges with no colleagues or family members in the same space to diversify your day. How do you keep yourself motivated?  How do you keep yourself focused? How do you not get lost in a plethora of content online. From the YouTube black hole to the Netflix swirl. 

However, little things are starting to concern me. Like the sound of my voice cracking as it tries to find its way out of the hidden depths of my throat. Turning off my video in calls so I don’t have to train my face to smile or act appropriately. Small talk, what a concept. The fatigue I feel partaking in it, is torture and my mind cannot understand it. I am neglecting my humanity. Time is so fluid and lack of human contact is making my soul invisible.  The silence is stealing my energy, chipping away daily with only these walls to fill and only me to radiate and absorb from. Mine is an energy that requires sustenance every now again, the food source is scarce.

In the last couple of days, I have been thinking about what it meant to be alone not to be lonely but alone at a time like this. It isn’t just about being in isolation by yourself, it is about what is happening in the world and the anxieties it creates in people generally. However, to not have someone physically in the same space to share those anxieties with, what does that feel like? A few days ago, I sent a friend a message and asked if he was free for a call. His response was a simple no, can I call later? He didn’t. I was irked, I wasn’t  angry or upset with him because I am sure he was busy and what he was doing was important, but at that moment I felt a little neglected. Almost unloved and even unnoticed in the world. These are extreme feelings to have for something quite small but when you are alone at a time when the world is burning, everything is a trigger. 

The news cycle around Covid 19 and subsequent pile of fake news that followed has massaged the message that the world is unsafe. For people who live alone who do not have the human touch in the form of a reassuring hug or just seeing another human “in real life” the news is the most terrifying thing in the world. Going outside is out of the question and staying in feels like torture some days.  There is no one to laugh with over the silly show you are watching or play a game of trivia with, there is no one to even fight with. Your interactions are dependent on technology and other people’s availability. 

I have begun doing mental health checks daily. Asking myself questions like how am I feeling today and am I taking care of myself. Recognising when I am struggling and finding ways to ask for help without feeling guilty. Taking time to breathe and thinking about what I need to feel better in the moment, if that is the goal.

Mental health in a period like this is so important, and we must be mindful of the way in which we consume content. Taking the time to manage our digital wellbeing contributes to how much our mental wellbeing is being taken care of. I have limited the amount of Covid news I consume in a day and rather seek escapism through reading and fluffy content. There is too much room for anxiety to grow in this period. I found my coping method for the longest time was work, I sat at my work desk for 12 hours and lost track of time, day and in some cases food. 

Practicing gratitude has been good in moments when the aloneness is particularly acute.  Moments where I’m grateful for my privilege. The privilege to have access to food and shelter,  access to people that I can call in a time that it really gets bad. There are so many people who are unable to truly pay attention to what is happening inside them or take the temperature of how they are feeling simply because they are worried about their next meal. 

As young people we are so used to the mobility of a fast paced life, used to the connection of others, used to brunches, drinks and walks with friends. The isolation and in some cases national shutdown feels like a prison. There is a darkness that it brings, one that makes us afraid to figure out how to survive in a moment where survival seems impossible. I’ve been using a lot of apps, Talkspace allows you to access a trained therapist who can talk you through what you are feeling. I also take mindfulness moments through Headspace, which has been a great help in moments when I just need to calm down. 

A big thing for me is who I become when this is over? With each passing day I have to remind myself of what my humanity means and not get lost in self reliance. So I just keep reminding myself, it is okay to not be okay today, tomorrow is another day. There are no days of the week, just yesterday, today and tomorrow and that is fine.