There is a tweet going around on Instagram (typical) about how we engage friendship in this period of lockdowns and social distancing. The gist of it is that in this period you should really reach out to your friends because this is when it matters the most, a very fair point  I agree. However it goes on to say that this is when you see who your true friends are and when we come out of this those are the ones that you will keep. Then there is a rebuttal about how this is a narcissistic way of thinking, testing friendships in these Covid 19 times – how very selfish and thoughtless.  I find both perspectives very conflicting and interesting – both have their place. Yes you should check on your friends (especially those baking a lot), it is important to do so, but do not pressure them and measure the friendships by how much they or you check in. Friendship is not a test, it is not solid matter, you earn the privilege and honour of being someone’s friend and they do the same for you.  

These uncertain times have proven to us that humanity is way more capable than we ever gave it credit for. Testing friendships now is very unfair and a little unbecoming. Everybody is going through this in different ways  and we are experiencing isolation differently. This is quite tricky because we are all in some ways in individual isolation. Even people who are in isolation with their families, friends, kids, spouses, parents or other forms of togetherness are also alone in many ways. Yes you can be in isolation alone when with people, because our emotions are different now peaks are different and what our needs are, is different. Sometimes, we just need to run away for coffee or lunch with a friend, someone who isn’t there everyday, someone who sees you, truly. Then there are times that we just don’t want to talk to anybody. The thought of having to reach out to a friend to have a long or short conversation about how they’re doing is daunting; because that means you have to figure out a way to articulate how you’re feeling and how you are doing. And you may not be ready for that nor might you want to.

Indeed it isn’t fair to test  friendships based on reaching out. However, there are those who need to know that people are thinking about them, that someone took the time out to say hello. For those people, reaching out  means the world, because when someone you haven’t spoken to in while pop up in a text message or call  or an email just checking in on you, it’s maybe that little boost you need to get you through for the day or put a smile on your face. It just might be the very thing that  makes you feel that that world isn’t burning after all. 

Lately, I have been wondering about the balance of checking in on friends and leaning too much on friends to the point of dependency. In my apartment, I have three primary workspaces, one in my dining area very open and right next to my balcony and I can watch the outside world while I work – this space is great for when I am feeling inspired. I have another in my spare bedroom, with blackout curtains, this is a bit more secluded. I can close the curtains for a bit of quiet concentration. My final and not often used workspace is my balcony, where I sit when I am in search of sunlight. When the sun gently caresses my face, its warmth feels like a 100 hugs on a bad day. When I sit here I think about days gone by, I think about my friends often here, I think about my family and past loves. Here I begin to reminisce about people and without fail I begin texting. I send messages to friends that I have shared a drink with me out here. Those who came to get comfort, those who came to give comfort. Meals that we shared here, stories we told, laughter, tears, kisses and that one time that something went a little too far. 

On the balcony my friends are with me, I feel them, their energy, their love and sometimes I can almost feel their thoughts. So when I’m feeling all of this, my life lived and friends and family I have shared that life with; I begin sending messages to people I haven’t spoken to in a while just to let them know that today they danced across my mind and set it ablaze with joy, comfort and love. And when I do that, check in on them. They check in on me too and for a lovely moment that sometimes lasts days, I don’t feel isolated. I don’t feel alone. I feel part of something I feel the love of my friends. I feel like I am being hugged from the inside and I smile. When I am on the balcony I think about the stories that make up my past, the memories that make the gift of the present so wonderfully sweet, and the hope of what will be explored tomorrow and the stories we will tell. I feel a life lived, loved and full of people and it makes me happy.

We’re getting so caught up with what you should and shouldn’t do in the times of Covid. There think pieces and Twitter threads and podcasts on how we should spend our isolation? Who isolation is for and who you need to be on the other side of this. We keep forgetting that we have never done this before and life has never been about the right or wrong way. It has always been about your way. What is safe, what is comfortable and what you can handle? And what is safe for me may not be safe for you, what it’s comfortable for me may never be comfortable for you. 

However, true friendship is knowing that your friends will love you no matter what and if you need them and you call them up they will pick up and they’ll be there for you. Don’t always expect your friends to make the first move. If you’re feeling isolated and need comfort, reach out.