Welcome to another edition of my Lockdown Observations. These observations are a way for me to keep sane by writing and collecting my thoughts and feelings in these unprecedented times. The posts  range from my deep sense of loss and aloneness, the competitive banana bread baking and to the day to day. Today I feel the crux of what savagery might look like in my world and it’s hitting me. A terrifying thought hit as it began to dawn that all borders will be closed for longer:  where will I get my supply of tea?

If you are an avid consumer of the news like I am, a habit I am desperately trying to break this period, you will know that everyday brings with it a fresh hell we must endure in this Covid 19 nightmare. Between the loss of life, the desperation to glimpses of hope, the of loss income and the plight of those trapped with their abusers –  there are too many big questions that can overwhelm you every minute. I have decided that the best thing to do at a time like this is to allow myself one, and only one breakdown a week. I feel that if I can have one managed breakdown a week, I can get by the rest of my week quite calmly and relatively easily.

It’s pretty simple: I schedule it in my calendar, it’s about a 20 minute breakdown on average. The best way to make this work well is to pretty much bottle up all my Covid emotions and all the things that I feel are off center until my allotted calendar 20 minute breakdown. When it’s time for my breakdown,  I put on some Celine Dion and lay on the floor, the feeling of the tiles against my skin, that cold unforgiving piercing sensation is quite exhilarating especially when paired with the passionate croning of Ms Dion. At its apex It’s all coming back to me blasting as loudly as property regulation will allow brings a final catharsis. As quickly as I began, my 20 minutes are done so I get up and shake it all off and I go back to life as normal. 

Today, I woke up like any other day, I made myself some tea and pondered the big questions: what shall I cook or bake today? As I gazed out at the vast and empty sky even devoid of birds I realised that I was drinking the last tea bag in the tea tin. Naturally, I opened up my tea cupboard to replenish the stock, there are not as many boxes of tea as there should be. I have become accustomed to drinking only two types of tea in my home, Kericho Gold, from Kenya and Royal Blend Famous Teas by Fortnum and Mason from the UK – both delivered by friends who would travel to see me every so often. 

With my current stock of tea I could maybe get through  another two months. This is a very conservative estimate that will require me to limit how much tea I drink in a day. This is problematic because the moment I looked at my boxes of tea, I began to shake, I could feel a wave of anxiety building. This is  not the allotted breakdown time and it was highly inappropriate and totally inconvenient. As much as I tried to repress the oncoming breakdown of my supply of tea, it hit me that travel bans might be in place much longer than two months. I am starting to feel what those hardest hit by the alcohol prohibition must be feeling. Searches on the internet for homemade alcohol and alcohol ban are peaking. People want to learn how to make pineapple beer and everyone is out of yeast, and  not for the sake of baking bread.

I began to think about what would happen if my friends are unable to bring me tea from across the continent or England. If I am in prolonged lockdown, what will become of my finely honed tea habits? Would I have to drink normal tea bought in the stores of Johannesburg, how pedestrian? This is a problem that I’m beginning to worry that I am not able to solve and I don’t know what I will do. Hyperventilation ensued.  Without my tea I may very well be a shadow of myself. You are probably thinking, bitch please!. People are dying, jobs are being lost and the world is burning and yet your privilege is upset because you can’t have your tea?

Yes, you are right to dip your thoughts in huge helpings of sacarina laced judgement. It is possibly the most bougie thing that has happened to me, well except for the smoked salmon scarcity that gripped Twitter that one time. However, in a time when the world is on fire, and every news clip or social media post tells us there is not stopping that fire and it will consume us all, having bits of normal comfort is important. The things that make us feel normal are the things that we must hold dear to, because if we cannot find normalcy we will succumb and lose hope.

For me my normal is tea, it is much more than a beverage for me and anyone that knows me knows how I adore tea. I believe tea has the power to enhance any moment or bring calm to the greatest of storms. When I have felt that the world did not want me, or in my greatest moments of heartbreak or the pain of loss or when I was drowning with no help in sight, tea was there. Whenever I have felt that there are things I cannot solve, I make myself a cup of tea. Then I sit and reflect on the life I have, the gifts that were and the gifts that I know  are surely to come. Tea makes me feel safe, it grants me peace and this Covid-19 crisis tea has brought comfort when the world could not hear my scream in the dark. It has calmed many panic attacks, my fears for my family, my friends and for myself. It has given me the courage to be open and vulnerable and the stillness to hope for a better tomorrow.

So, if I cannot have my favourite tea, what will bring me peace in a time when every headline robs us of hope?